What is it about a hangover that makes me so horribly horny?
It's a problem most Friday mornings that can be dealt with, however it's magnified to such an extent today and there's nothing I can do about it whatsoever. This day spells trouble to me.
Fortunately, if you can say that, I only managed 30 minutes sleep last night, and as such I don't think I'd be much use to myself or anyone else today. My eyeballs are rattling like a Canadian sprinter, and my crotch throbbing. I've got an office full of people staring at me unwittingly trying to ignore the stench of tequila coming from me and the fact i've only got one eye open.
This brings me on to last night. A 30th birthday. I don't particularly enjoy the company of "media types" at the best of times, needless to say when there's over a hundred scantily clad women doing there best to get fired on Friday morning. Jager-bombs are everywhere, and there's the look of tomorrow mornings regret on the faces of most of the girls already. Fortunately for me, Jim turned up with a few mates, my best boy Chris was there to keep a watchful eye over me, and I'm sticking strictly to Redstripe.
The night unfolded fairly well in the end. Firstly, it's easy to not get the attention of a previously jilted lover. I never called her back apparently, the retort "I don't have your number" doesn't wash, neither will the red wine stain on my £200 hand-wash only Stefan Schneider shirt. The girls got an arm and a good aim on her that's a definite. She's also got a mouth on her that could have deterred George Dubya from invading Iraq, let alone deter the other women in situ from talking to me - all in all, shirt aside, a great result.
Another plus point.... I met a fellow '40 day and 40 night-er' my (now) main man and advisor; Tyler. He was (on the night) at day 39, and had some words of wisdom and advice that I couldn't have paid for. I do envy the fact he said he is waking up this morning to 40 days worth of masturbation, but I'll be there soon enough.
Tyler assured me that the following mental and physical states occur, or at least have for him, during the 40 days of attrition;
Days 1-7: you're fine, there's pangs of temptation to give up, but also excitement about what's going to happen. If you tell enough friends that this is going to happen then you're tied to it, much like starting to collect sponsorship for the marathon - you're immediately committed to running those 26.5 miles even if you want to quit at any time.
Days 7-21: HELL ON EARTH were there words he used. I'd go further than that. Remember I started writing this on day 8 due to my mental state. He said you get unwanted and unwarranted erections - I agree. You'll do anything to quit - agreed. You're overly emotional, definitely angry, and most definitely on the verge of your first wet dream (Tyler mentioned he'd only had 2 during his 39 days, one of which on day 14 the second on day 20)
Days 21-30: things start to get easier. Your body has accepted the inevitable, that you're actually going to do this, and you start to become one with yourself. He suggested at which point, when you're full of confidence and content that this can be completed you should tell every woman you meet - a case of "they want what they can't have, and want to be known as the girl that broke you" I merely explained I'm not doing this for women, I'm doing it because of a woman, well several really, but one that tipped me over the edge (incidentally, we're not meeting this weekend, probably not such a bad thing. I can't currently work out if I miss her because I miss her, or miss her because I'm on day 10 - I fear it's the former)
Day 30-39: plain sailing. According to Tyler, he's never felt better. Again comparing this to a marathon, those ridiculous running marvels can sense the finishing line, it gives them a new found confidence and they power through the final stages with a smile on their faces even though their feet fell off 6 miles ago and they're running on bloody, blistered stumps where their ankles used to be.
Roll on day 30.I'm off to bed soon, it's Friday, and for the first time in about 12 years I want to be in bed before 9pm, by myself, watching a completely non-sexual, no women allowed film. I might start with 'Schindler's List' and work my way through further historical moments involving mass-murder and genocide.
Day 11 tomorrow, i'll officially be more than a 1/4 of the way through.
